Salise Shuttlesworth, J.D. – Quilty’s Counsel, and Friends For Life Founder and Executive Director: Thank you all for coming today. I am happy to represent my client, Quilty. I appreciate you all spending some time with us today at our press conference on the day of Quilty’s release.
I’m going to read a prepared statement from my client and then we’ll take just a few questions from the audience.
[Camera pans to prepared statement, which reads only “Lisa Sux – Q”]
First, I want to thank my extraordinary legal team for their tireless work and their creative use of the tool of ‘habeas cattus’ to secure my release today. It is the end of an unfortunate incarceration in a very difficult chapter in my life. I want to thank the adoptions team and my media team for doing a global search for a family for me to interview as potentially mine.
To my public—to the members of the free Quilty movement—this is just the beginning. Thanks for staying with me.
I want to clarify two important things.
First, when I freed the cats in the senior room, it wasn’t because of maltreatment at Friends For Life. Their version of ‘two hots and a cot’ was ‘two wets and some pets,’ and I always got my wets and my pets. So, let’s be clear going forward, it wasn’t the nature of the treatment during the incarceration; it was the very nature of the affrontery of the incarceration itself.
Second, when I freed those cats—my compadres, my soulmates, my teammates—I freed them so that they could get on the right side of the door; the side of the door where there’s a home. And so, you might be asking yourself today, ‘Self, what’s happening with the free Quilty movement, if Quilty’s free?’
Friends, this was always bigger than me.
The movement is always bigger than the one who begins it. #FreeQuilty is for every cat that’s on the wrong side of the door. Every spicy a-hole who’s misunderstood. Every cat that’s sitting at any shelter, anywhere, knocking stuff off a counter, refusing to eat wet food, swatting people who want to pet them, trying to open a door, ready to get a home. And we will keep #FreeQuilty alive as long as there’s any cat, anywhere, on the wrong side of the door.
Thank you very much. I’ll take a few questions from the audience now.
Question from reporter at MSNBCAT: Okay. Um, yes. Um, what, um, yes, does Quilty have any political aspirations?
Shuttlesworth: Quilty’s well aware that 2020 is rolling around and that we… we need some leadership. And, um, and we’re investigating that. We’re not going to make any firm commitments at this time. We have formed a committee.
[Reporters bellow to be called on to ask their very serious questions.]
Shuttlesworth, confirming with her client, Quilty: Hold on one second… hold on.
Shuttlesworth: Let me rephrase, uh, he does actually have some political aspirations. Yes.
[further conferring with her client] What?
[pointing at random member of the media] Oh, no, no, no. Uh, no. You got go, Nope. Nope. Okay.
[aforementioned press member leaves] Okay, what next?
Reporter from C-A-T news channel: Does Quilty have any book deals currently ongoing or any aspirations to continue his story in a written form?
Shuttlesworth: We can’t comment on any ongoing negotiations, but to say every epic struggle ultimately becomes literary. So, stay tuned, Quilty nation.
Lisa, posing as an official reporter: Ma’am, ma’am, why is a Quilty such a spicy a-hole?
[banter back and forth as Shuttlesworth tries to shut the question down]
Shuttlesworth: No, not doing this. This is fake news. Out. Out. NOPE. Out. Go.
Another reporter [to Lisa]: You can’t ask that question. That’s very rude. That’s not a question.
[Lisa is escorted out by her posse]
Shuttlesworth: Any appropriate questions from any legitimate news source?
Reporter from The New Cat York: Are they going to continue, uh, updates on Quilty?
Shuttlesworth: Absolutely. The team will not sleep. They will not sleep.
Reporter from The New Cat York [referring to the dog barking behind Shuttlesworth in the Friends For Life living room: Teddy’s not sleeping. Wonderful.
Shuttlesworth: Alright. Thank you all. We appreciate it. Free Quilty.
[Reporters and audience in attendance clamor and cheer “free Quilty” and “wooo no more doors woooo”]